i had to -

i had to say goodbye. i had to close the door. i wish i could say i'm sorry, but i'm really not.

this coming in and out of my life, leaving messages that leave me dangling, hoping, wishing, lying to me about pertinent information, dodging information that you think i don't already know and haven't already known - it had to stop. we couldn't continue on torturing the past over and over again. it was an act of self-preservation and of protection of my sanity, something i desperately needed to be okay.

so was leaving you. i'm a firm believer in doing things because you want to, because you are so compelled to do them that you don't believe you could ever do anything else. that tunnel vision feeling in which you are so locked in to your desired thing that everything else looks like a blurred vision at best - this is what i'm talking about. and yet, in the last 3-4 weeks, you painted a picture for me of how you saw me. being with me wasn't something that you desired, that you wanted with all of your heart; being with me was a means to an end, a way to keep from facing your fears of not being alone. if i've learned anything over the last year, it's that love doesn't force. love doesn't control, and that's especially true when it comes to the goals and the dreams of those in a relationship. you told me that i'd risk everything if i thought you were worth so much, but when it came back around to it, i don't think that you would have risked that for me.

both of you, really, just on different sides of the coin - two completely different people, two completely different situations, but i see now that i'm growing and creating better boundaries through which i am able to grow and become who i am. i'm alone for the holidays, and that's tough because i dread coming home and i dread spending christmas by myself. at the same time, however, i'm also pleased, because that means i haven't settled for less than i deserve (and, in the same way, i haven't allowed you to settle for less than you deserve). i'm choosing to see this moment as moving toward a higher path, and, in doing so, am going to seek a great perhaps.

i reject the notion that women have to be in a relationship to have worth, or that i need someone close to me in order to live my fullest life. my goals, my dreams, and my ideas are worth more than being in a relationship to me. i value love, i value friendship, i value connection, but i'm tired of giving all of myself to someone who does not give all to me.