the creation of a support base:

i once heard that you develop a support base by the qualities that you put forth into the world. the support group is developed by a kind of cosmic force - what you put out into the universe is given back to you (so, though overused by many people to mean cosmic revenge, the very essence of karma). sitting tonight at dinner, i realized that what i have put into the world has been given back to me: i have been blessed with a group of thoughtful, aware, politically and socially active, and intelligent friends who constantly encourage me to think and do more than ever before.

thank god for these people who have come into my life to wake me from this robotic stance i have once taken. for the first time in years, i feel alive in many different realms of my life - politically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. through intense debates and conversations and a lot of reaching past my comfort zone, i have fostered discourse with people who challenge my deeply held ideals about life.

we all need these awakening moments in which were are violently shook - as if a child having a bad dream - from this passionless world we're living in, this monochromatic landscape that means next to nothing in the grand scheme. being involved in causes and in ideals that are bigger than we are, politically, spiritually, and theoretically, helps us to develop and grow as human beings.

the road here, granted, has been tough, and has taken some reckoning (thanks, brene brown) with my own insecurities about my intelligence. as such, it has taken research - which i love doing anyway - and critical thinking to develop my ideas about things. from that research and that reading and that networking has come growth, and i am so incredibly thankful for that opportunity to develop.

again, i reiterate: if someone had asked me if this is where i would be 8-9 months ago, in this same exact spot, lying in bed next to an anne lamott book about writing and thoughtfulness and reflecting on conversations about politics, social justice, and immigration, i would've kindly replied that you were batshit motherfucking crazy. but that is my life, and, as a compassionate person to myself, i have to be thankful to myself for fostering those relationships in my own life while also being startlingly blessed that people like those i have in my life have taken the time to help me grow.

growth, growth, growth: painful, scary, infuriating, but in hindsight, such a beautiful thing to undertake when the end results are this beautiful.