on drinking, or why i'm trying not to anymore:

there have been some questions as to why i'm not drinking anymore - or at least not drinking as heavily as i once did. the answer(s) to those questions require more space and time than i even have here, but for the sake of my own sanity and as a reminder to myself, i'll (briefly) post about that here.

i've recently been handed what i like to call an "awakening" moment. this moment is just the realization that something i've been holding on to in my life is more damaging than i give it credit for: distractions. we add things to our lives often to distract ourselves from things we don't want to think about - emotions, situations and stressors. for me, those distractors have always taken the shape of drinking, eating, sleeping, TV watching, or overloading my schedule.

a big goal i have been trying to accomplish lately is being aware of the things i do that i am generally not aware of and taking inventory of the things that trigger those events. one thing i've been focusing on a lot, therefore, has been my drinking. in making a list of my biggest "binges" re: drinking since i began (sophomore year of college - i was 19), i noticed a few things:

• i only really drank when something was happening that i didn't want to think about/deal with (big considerations here include the death of my first relationship, the death of my most recent long-term relationship, the stealing and subsequent totaling of my favorite car, the death of my grandfather, and the stress of my most recent long-term relationship)
• my desire to drink is usually brought on by some kind of negative emotional event - when i am feeling uncomfortable, embarrassed, or stressed especially
• the day after drinking generally results in my feeling like shit either physically or emotionally - in doing research about drinking, i came across multiple studies that pointed to the loss of serotonin in the brain during heavy drinking spells. serotonin is often linked to well-being, including food cravings, emotional well-being, and the ability to sleep. here's the thing, though: apparently (and based on what i was reading, i might have misunderstood, so i'm still reading more) drinking gives a slight rise in serotonin, which manifests in feelings of happiness and reward. after moderate drinking, however, when this drinking turns into more heavy drinking, the exact opposite happens - serotonin drops significantly, adding to feelings of anxiety and depression (which, if already present pre-drinking, results in a more intense experience with these feelings). major lightbulb moment. in thinking about my relationship to alcohol and nights of heavy drinking, i always think of the day after: feeling lethargic (no shit, sherlock, you generally only drink at night), emotionally unstable* (this is big, big, big for me - nights of binging usually resulted in crying spells the next day or feeling terribly depressed. while i always assumed that this was just because i was physically feeling like shit, i now realize that it was actually a disrupted chemical balance that affected my ability to be emotionally reasonable), and unmotivated. 
• let's be honest - drinking is expensive as fuck, and i'd like to spend my money on books instead. 

talk about major realizations here - as much as i like drinking, and i love the feeling of being "tipsy," i have now determined that a) i feel a lot worse the day after than i feel decent the night before, and b) oh shit - here's the big one - i'm typically running away from things when i'm drinking. one memory especially stands out in my mind about drinking:

it was a warm, sticky night in august of 2011, not far off from my birthday. i had a 24 pack of PBR in the fridge and a determination to drink the whole damn thing. my heart, my body, my mind were on fire - shame, guilt, and this very guttural sense of acknowledgement were booming through my bloodstream with every sip i took. the night was quiet save the occasional passing car and the chirping of crickets in the distance. one thing i knew for sure, maybe not in that moment, but later as i reflected on it: my intuition was telling me to listen carefully to what it had to say. it was warning me about months and years to come in which i would continuously push down my gut in search of what i wanted to be true, which was that you cared enough to be honest, to tell the truth. deep down i know you never did, but at the time all i could do was crack another beer open and stare at the night sky from that wooden deck painted red on woods avenue...

in realizing just how much i have had to drink over the past 6-7 years, i've had an epiphany: i have to give my body and my brain the luxury of stopping for as long as i possibly can. i'm here in this journal because i'm trying to be the best person i can, and holding on to a destructive habit like that is nothing but damaging to my progress, so here goes nothing...