...i held on to you for too long, too. i looked for closure in you even when i knew it was something you could never give me. [name removed] was right when she suggested that in your emptiness was the missing piece, but that you were so lost in your own darkness that you wouldn't be able to find it. after realizing that, i did what i had to let you go. i did what i had to to prevent you from ever infiltrating my life ever again...
at some points, you pop up from the darkness, reminders of beautiful memories or my own projections of who you were (when you really weren't). i'm getting better at seeing the situation for what it is - nothing of extreme importance. my need for control and understanding, as much as it has affected me in the past, is beginning to subside. this is part of my journey: to release my hold on my expectations of life and of other people. if anything, the pain has taught me that i need to capitalize on my unnecessary urges and, in doing so, simultaneously let them go. in the end, you have become my greatest lesson. you are the realization that i must live fully in my own reality and that i must find my own happiness. my goals from this day forward include intentionally living in the present moment and letting experiences be what they will be.
for now, though, i am enjoying life as it is - i have a booming social calendar, an amazing support group, and a job that i love going to every day. at some point in my life, my emotions revolved solely around you and us. now i feel more emotionally secure than ever, and in a way, i suppose i have you to thank for that - thank you for showing me the monochromatic landscape so i could enjoy the beauty of the rainbow.
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