"now listen here she said:
boy, when you know you'll know
and i know"
white t-shirt, the smell of your cologne floating to me as you shifted underneath me. my chin on your chest, looking up at you as your eyes were fixed on the ceiling. your right hand lifted from the bed, making an open palm, shifting into a fist with your pointer finger raised in the air. your lips were moving, soft voice telling me things that you had never told anyone before,
and it was like i explained to you earlier that night, with the record player singing in the distance and the rain hitting the window behind your head: we find words for things that we're not sure about. we overcompensate, make ourselves heard, make it sound beautiful.. and yet, the thing that is most beautiful and most sure defies all words. there are not enough words, not enough words that are not trite, at least, to describe the way it feels when your body was lying next to me after we talked for hours on hours, how your body felt--like the boundaries that made up our body were permeable, like when we laid next to each other, those boundaries did not exist. when your body comes closer to mine, i'm not aware of the skeleton that makes you separate from me; i'm only aware of the way your skin seems to melt into mine, the way your body becomes part of me as we fall together.
i know people have been hard on you in the past. i know people have wanted you to be anything other than you were. but to me, you are absolutely perfect just as the person you tell me you are, just as the person you believe you are. you are perfect as the shirtless child playing with superhero figurines. you are perfect as the socially awkward high school senior who wanted nothing more than to take a girl to prom. you are perfect as the person who walks into my apartment every night, arms so strong and so soft i have no doubt that every bit of me will always be protected by you, the person whose white button downs and slightly faded blue khakis make my body shiver in anticipation of your touch. your confidence, snarkiness, jokes paid at my (willing) expense; your smirk and the freckles that reside at the bridge of your nose, right next to your perfectly shaped almond eyes where my favorite exploding galaxies exist.
when i see you, i see future. i see our home, next to a body of water, hardwood floors and built-in bookshelves. i see our record players, our record collection, our books--your leather-bound, gold-paged copy of the trials of susan b. anthony sitting on the coffetable, right on top of a copy of rad women from a to z--, our mementos from backpacking south america and train rides in europe. i see our dogs on the floor, sleeping quietly as otis redding plays in the background. a bottle of wine opened just before the sun goes down, and our closest friends and family sitting around a dinner table enjoying a meal we've prepared together. later on, i see us near christmas, christmas morning even... i see my doing as much as i can and your moving frantically around the kitchen. i see you stop, place your hand on my belly, and give me that look you give me when you're being serious--my full name and a plea to sit down. i see so much that sometimes it scares me, but it also enthralls me in ways that i am not sure i have ever felt or thought i could have the potential to feel.
the reality is this: when they said that someone would eventually walk into my life and make me realize why it could have never worked with anyone else, i didn't believe them. everyone has their flaws. but then you walked in, and i completely understood. for someone to understand these deepest desires of mine, to have these same needs and same wants as i do, to share them so openly--to see you smile when we realize that all of these strings come right back together--i never knew that that was possible. i never knew that i could have you, have this.
everyone sees it. my mom, your coworkers, your brother, chelsea, my friends, your friends... they all know. now all we can do is wait for this beautiful story to unfold in front of us...
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